What Not to Do When Setting Boundaries: A Gentle Guide for Women Who Are Tired of Burning Out
If you’re feeling exhausted, resentful, or constantly overextended, chances are your boundaries need attention. For many women, especially those who are high-achievers, caretakers, or “the dependable one” setting boundaries can feel both necessary and terrifying. You know why you struggle to set them, but knowing how not to set boundaries is just as important as knowing how to do it right. By avoiding these common missteps, you’ll save yourself a lot of frustration, guilt, and backtracking.
1. Don’t Apologize for Your Needs
One of the biggest mistakes women make when setting boundaries is overexplaining or apologizing. “I’m so sorry, I hate that I have to do this but I can’t…” immediately puts you in a position of guilt. Boundaries are about self-respect, not punishment. You’re allowed to prioritize your mental health, your time, and your energy without a long justification. Instead, try, “Thanks for thinking of me. I won’t be able to join this time.” Clear, respectful, and guilt-free.
2. Don’t Wait Until You’re at a Breaking Point
It’s tempting to push your limits until you’ve completely burned out, then erupt with a hard “no” or ghost someone entirely. This often damages relationships and leaves you feeling guilty afterward. Avoidance often times worsens situations and waiting until you are at your breaking point to say something is yet another iteration of this fact.
Boundaries work best when they’re proactive, not reactive. Practice small, low-stakes boundaries early (e.g., not answering emails after work hours or asking friends to be respectful, even during arguments/disagreements) so when bigger decisions come up, you already feel confident and consistent.
3. Don’t Assume People Will Automatically “Get It”
Many women hope that their partners, friends, or coworkers will intuitively understand their limits. In reality, people respond best to clarity. Vague statements like “I’m feeling overwhelmed” don’t communicate what you need. Instead, be direct but kind: “I won’t be taking on extra projects this month” or “I need weekends for myself.” Think of it as giving others a roadmap for how to respect you.
4. Don’t Overcommit Just to Soften the Blow
A common trap: saying “no” to one thing but then offering two or three alternatives to “make up for it.” For example, “I can’t host the holiday this year, but I can cook dinner, buy drinks, and plan the games.” This defeats the purpose of setting the boundary in the first place. You don’t need to compensate for protecting your energy. A simple, polite “I can’t do that” is enough. If others are asking more of you, asking for more time to give the question/task/situation is okay (e.g., “I’m not sure but give me until the end of the week to think about what I can realistically contribute). It’s frustrating when others overpromise but underdeliver and overcommitting is another iteration of that.
5. Don’t Get Pulled Into Debating Your Boundaries
When you’re new at boundary-setting, you may feel pressure to defend your decision. Others might push back with guilt trips or questions and as a therapist who helps women create sustainable boundaries, I want you to expect that other people will try to push you on your needs. Resist the urge to justify yourself endlessly. Repeat your boundary calmly and consistently: “I’m not available that day.” If you must elaborate, keep it short. Every time you engage in a debate, you risk undermining your own limit.
6. Don’t Forget to Enforce the Boundary
Setting a boundary is only the first step - enforcing it is where the real growth happens. If you say you won’t answer work emails on Sundays but still do, people will learn that your boundary isn’t serious. Enforcing doesn’t have to be harsh; it can be as simple as following through on your stated limit, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
7. Don’t Neglect Your Own Emotions
Boundaries can stir up guilt, shame, or fear, especially if you’ve been conditioned to put others first. Acknowledge these feelings but don’t let them dictate your choices. Remember, discomfort is normal at first. The more you practice, the more natural it feels to advocate for yourself.
Final Thoughts
Healthy boundaries are not walls; they’re bridges to more respectful, sustainable relationships. By avoiding these common pitfalls - apologizing, overcommitting, waiting until you’re burnt out, or neglecting to enforce your limits - you’ll not only protect your time and energy but also deepen your self-respect. Every time you set (and keep) a boundary, you’re sending yourself the message: “My needs matter, too.” You deserve to live without constant burnout, decision fatigue, and guilt. And the good news? Setting boundaries gets easier the more you do it.
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If burnout is taking a toll on your mind and body, you don’t have to face it alone. Working with a burnout therapist in New York can help you process stress, reconnect with your values, and start feeling like yourself again. Reach out to The Lavender Therapy by following these simple steps:
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About The Author:
Dr. Ruby Rhoden is a New York-based licensed psychologist who is dedicated to uplifting women through life changes and challenges, including reproduction and parent burnout. She understands how unhelpful behavior patterns and mental health disorders uniquely impact women and uses evidence-based techniques to usher in sustainable change and relief. Dr. Ruby is dedicated to helping women develop healthier habits and relationships with themselves and their bodies so they can connect to others and the world around them again. Dr. Ruby studied at Cornell University and Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey for her Bachelor’s and Doctoral degrees, respectively. In her free time, she enjoys watching reality TV, supporting small businesses, and writing blog posts to remind all women that they are not alone.
