Why Do I Struggle Setting Boundaries? (And What to Do About It)
Let’s talk boundaries—those invisible lines that protect your time, energy, and emotional well-being. They’re supposed to help us feel safe, seen, and respected… so why are they so fucking hard to set sometimes?
If you’ve ever said “yes” when you really wanted to scream “no,” or found yourself exhausted from over-giving, you’re definitely not alone. Struggling with boundaries doesn’t mean you’re weak or broken—it means you’re human. But understanding why you struggle can be the first step toward building boundaries that actually stick.
You Were Taught to Be “Nice” Over Honest
Many of us were raised with the message that being liked is more important than being real. And according to social psychology, we can blame gender socialization, AKA, the unspoken rules in our culture that dictate how we should behave according to our gender. In fact, social psychology research shows that young girls are raised to play in “polite and quiet” ways while boys are encouraged to play “louder and rougher” ones which overtime primes young girls to be more aware of the feelings of others, even during a reasonably carefree experience such as play. Essentially, society gives young girls the building blocks to become women trapped in a cycle of people-pleasing. Maybe you were praised for being the “easygoing” one, the peacemaker, or the helper. Maybe you learned early on that saying “no” made people disappointed or upset—and that didn’t feel safe. So instead of listening to your gut, you learned to prioritize everyone else’s needs first. The result? Guilt. Resentment. Burnout. Boundaries aren't about being mean—they’re about being honest - which is actually kind. And honesty can feel like a radical act when you’ve been trained to keep the peace at your own expense. So if you shifted your focus from being “nice” to being “kind”, setting boundaries can feel safer.
You're Afraid of Conflict or Rejection
Setting a boundary often comes with a fear: What if they get mad? What if they leave? What if they think I don’t care? These fears are real, especially if you’ve experienced emotional consequences for speaking up in the past. If someone has punished you for asserting your needs—through anger, silence, or withdrawal—you may have internalized the message that your boundaries aren’t safe and that other people leave if you do say “no”. The truth? Healthy relationships can tolerate boundaries. In fact, they need them to grow. If someone can’t respect your limits, it says more about them than it does about you. Setting boundaries also gives you an opportunity to take off the “rose colored” lens you’ve been wearing in the relationship to really look at how you’ve been treated and if that is acceptable to you. Sometimes it can feel hard to set boundaries because if you did, you know you would have to walk away from the relationship because it could be unhealthy or unidirectional (i.e., only one person is doing the work to keep the relationship alive).
You’re Not Even Sure What Your Boundaries Are
Sometimes we struggle with boundaries because we haven’t stopped to ask ourselves: What do I actually need? If you’re used to being hyper-aware of other people’s feelings and not your own, it can be tough to notice when a line has been crossed—until you’re already deep into overwhelm or resentment. Getting curious about your triggers is a great place to start. Ask yourself:
When do I feel drained after a conversation?
What situations make me feel invisible or taken for granted?
What’s one thing I wish people would stop doing?
The answers to these questions and this blog post can help you begin defining your boundaries.
You Think You Have to Justify or Explain Everything
You don’t need a 10-slide PowerPoint to say “no.” So many of us struggle with boundary-setting because we feel like we owe people detailed explanations or emotional apologies. But you don’t need to convince someone your boundary is “valid.” If something doesn’t feel right to you, that’s enough. Try practicing simple statements like:
“I’m not available for that.”
“That doesn’t work for me right now.”
“Thanks for thinking of me, but I’ll have to pass.”
Short. Clear. Kind. No over-explaining needed.
You’re Still Learning That Your Needs Matter
If you’ve spent years putting others first, it might feel selfish to prioritize you. But boundaries are actually a form of self-respect—and they’re key to building relationships where you don’t lose yourself. It’s not selfish to protect your peace. It’s healthy. It’s healing. And it’s time that you start showing up for you, not just everyone else.
Final Thoughts
If you’re struggling to set boundaries, it doesn’t mean you’re bad at relationships—it might mean you’ve been taught to survive them instead of thrive in them. Start small. Be gentle with yourself. Boundaries are like muscles: the more you practice, the stronger they get. And if this feels overwhelming? Therapy with me can help you unpack where your patterns come from and learn how to build new ones—ones that leave you feeling whole, grounded, and in charge of your own life.
Set Healthier Boundaries with a Therapist in New York
If you’re still struggling with setting boundaries, know that you're not alone, and you don’t have to figure it all out before reaching out. Start small. You can schedule a consultation with The Lavender Therapy to get support from a caring therapist across New York. You can start your therapy journey by following these simple steps:
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About The Author:
Dr. Ruby Rhoden is a New York-based licensed psychologist who is dedicated to uplifting women through life changes and challenges, including reproduction and parent burnout. She understands how unhelpful behavior patterns and mental health disorders uniquely impact women and uses evidence-based techniques to usher in sustainable change and relief. Dr. Ruby is dedicated to helping women develop healthier habits and relationships with themselves and their bodies so they can connect to others and the world around them again. Dr. Ruby studied at Cornell University and Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey for her Bachelor’s and Doctoral degrees, respectively. In her free time, she enjoys watching reality TV, supporting small businesses, and writing blog posts to remind all women that they are not alone.
