Perfectionism and Control: Different Ways We Mask Anxiety
If you’ve ever felt like you have to keep everything under control like your work, your relationships, or your home just to feel safe or “okay,” you’re not alone. Many women who seem highly capable on the outside quietly wrestle with anxiety on the inside. For a lot of us, perfectionism and control become coping mechanisms. They’re the armor we put on to feel less vulnerable. But underneath the striving, the lists, and the hyper-awareness lies the real issue: anxiety.
In this post, we’ll explore how perfectionism and control can mask anxiety, why it happens, and what to do when you start to notice this pattern in yourself.
Why Anxiety Often Hides Behind Perfectionism
Anxiety intensifies in uncertainty. When you don’t feel safe inside yourself, you naturally look for ways to create safety on the outside. Perfectionism can feel like a form of protection, if you do everything flawlessly, there’s no space for criticism or rejection. Control feels similar; if you can manage every variable, you’ll never have to feel blindsided or hurt and there isn’t any room for “the other shoe to drop”. The problem is that both of these strategies are exhausting and unsustainable. They may give you temporary relief, but they also create more pressure (i.e., pressure to achieve or unrealistic expectations of yourself), guilt (i.e., guilt that you aren’t doing enough), and disappointment when you inevitably can’t keep up.
Signs You’re Using Perfectionism to Cope
Perfectionism isn’t always obvious. It can look like:
Double- and triple-checking emails, presentations, or tasks at work.
Avoiding opportunities until you’re “ready” or “qualified.”
Feeling deep shame when you make even minor mistakes.
Negative self-talk before, during, or after any task (new or routine).
Constantly raising the bar for yourself, so success never feels enough.
Intimidation or fear when asked to share your work, ideas/thoughts, or efforts with groups.
Taking inordinate amounts of time to execute simple tasks
You might be thinking, “I was taught to strive for perfection” or “my perfectionism has gotten me this far. How bad could it really be?”. But perfectionism at its core isn’t only about wanting to be “the best”, it’s also an unhelpful way of managing the uncomfortable emotions that arise when things feel uncertain or out of your control.
Signs You’re Using Control to Cope
Control can also take many forms:
Micromanaging your time, your partner, or your coworkers.
Needing a plan for everything vacations, weekends, even downtime.
Struggling to delegate tasks because no one can do them “right.”
Experiencing irritability or panic when plans change unexpectedly.
Difficulty or asking for help.
Trust
Replaying hurtful past situations to understand what you could have done differently.
Again, these behaviors aren’t simply about being organized or efficient. They’re about reducing the anxiety of the unknown.
The Emotional Toll of Perfectionism and Control
On the surface, perfectionism and control can look like strength, discipline, or “having it all together.” But internally, they often fuel a cycle of guilt, shame, and disappointment. You may feel guilty for not doing enough, ashamed for ostracizing others because you need to be in control, or disappointed in yourself when things don’t go perfectly. Over time, this constant tension can lead to burnout, relationship strain, and an even deeper sense of disconnection from your true self.
How to Begin Unmasking Anxiety
Recognizing that perfectionism and control are coping mechanisms, not personality flaws, is the first step. From there, you can gently start building new ways to relate to your anxiety:
Name What’s Happening
When you catch yourself obsessing over details or feeling the urge to control, pause and name it: “This is my anxiety looking for safety”, “I’m feeling like what I did isn’t enough and that’s making me feel anxious”, or “I struggling to trust that this person will show up for me and it’s uncomfortable”. Naming it helps you create distance from the behavior.
Practice Self-Compassion
Instead of criticizing yourself for being “too much” or “too controlling,” try speaking to yourself as you would a close friend. Self-compassion lowers your stress response and makes it easier to let go.
Experiment With Small Risks
Try allowing a small imperfection or letting someone else take the lead. Take that co-worker up on their offer to send that email; observe your urge to over apologize and overexplain if you’re late to an event and then apologize or explain once. Notice how uncomfortable it feels and how you survive anyway. Over time, this builds tolerance for uncertainty, lack of control, and imperfection.
Prioritize Self-Care
When you’re anxious, your nervous system needs soothing. Grounding practices like deep breathing, movement, therapy, or journaling can help regulate your emotions and reduce the need for control.
Final Thoughts
Perfectionism and control are signs of a nervous system trying to feel safe. By recognizing the anxiety underneath and gently experimenting with new patterns, you can begin to release the pressure to be perfect and discover more peace, freedom, and self-acceptance in your daily life
If you’ve tried loosening your grip but still feel overwhelmed, working with a therapist such as myself can help you understand your anxiety at its roots. Therapy offers a safe space to explore the beliefs driving your perfectionism and control, and to practice new ways of relating to uncertainty.
Address Your Perfectionism and Control in New York, NY
Imagine a life where you didn’t have to worry about being enough or wonder when the next shoe was going to drop. I’m here to help you break this cycle. Follow the steps below to get started:
Contact me now and start your journey towards confronting your anxiety.
Learn more about my approach here.
Start living life again.
Other Services I offer Anywhere in New York
In addition to helping women manage their relationships with perfectionism and control, I offer a range of specialized services to support you through various life phases. Whether you need assistance with postpartum and pregnancy concerns, burnout, infertility or pregnancy loss, or family planning therapy, I'm here to guide you every step of the way.
About The Author:
Dr. Ruby Rhoden is a New York-based Licensed Psychologist who is dedicated to uplifting women through life changes and challenges, including reproduction. With a deep understanding of the complexities of burnout, Dr. Ruby provides a safe and supportive space for clients to explore their emotions and develop strategies to overcome exhaustion and regain their zest for life. She understands how unhelpful behavior patterns and mental health disorders uniquely impact women and uses evidence-based techniques to usher in sustainable change and relief. Dr. Ruby is dedicated to helping women develop healthier habits and relationships with themselves and their bodies so that they can connect to others and the world around them again. Dr. Ruby studied at Cornell University and Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey for her Bachelor's and Doctoral degrees, respectively. In her free time, she enjoys watching reality TV, supporting small businesses, and writing blog posts to remind all women that they are not alone.
