When Control Becomes Exhausting: Why Doing Everything Yourself Is Wearing You Out
Have you ever thought, “It’s just easier if I do it myself”? Maybe you’ve said it after someone didn’t do something the way you would’ve done it. Perhaps you’ve thought it while watching someone struggle with a task you could’ve completed in a fraction of the time. Or possibly, you’ve simply gotten used to being the person who handles everything and you know that at the end of the day, you can always rely on you. You know how to get things done. You know what needs to happen, when it needs to happen, and exactly how you want it done.
Sound familiar? The problem is that constantly being in control is exhausting. Unfortunately, the reward for good, competent work (e.g., at home, at work, in school, or in your community) is more work (not less). Unsurprisingly, there is a strong relationship between burnout and control, especially for women who’ve learned that being independent, capable, and reliable is how they stay safe and successful.
When control feels like safety
At its core, struggling with control often has less to do with just wanting things to be perfect and more to do with struggling to trust. You may have a hard time trusting that someone else will notice what needs to be done or that they’ll do it correctly. You may worry that they’ll forget, disappoint you, or simply not meet your needs. Let me be the first to say that this way of thinking is not without good reason; at some point, someone really important to you let you down when them showing up really mattered. And unfortunately, this has happened more times than you can count.
If you don’t believe someone else can or will meet your needs, giving up control can feel incredibly risky. Control can start to feel like safety, and beliefs like
If I do it myself, I know it’ll get done.
If I don’t ask for help, I can’t be disappointed.
If I handle everything, I don’t have to depend on anyone.
only highlight this sentiment. This is where hyperindependence can become especially exhausting. What once helped you feel capable and protected can eventually leave you overwhelmed, resentful, and burned out.
Asking for help can feel risky
For someone who struggles with control, asking for help isn’t always as simple as saying, “Can you take care of this?” It can mean tolerating uncertainty (e.g., when will they get it done?), allowing someone else to do something differently than you would, and admitting that you can’t do everything alone. And honestly, that can feel uncomfortable at best or admitting weakness at worst. But asking for help doesn’t mean you’re incapable. It means you’re recognizing that your capacity has limits, and the epitome of burnout is giving more (energy, time, mental bandwidth, and other internal resources) than we actually have. Essentially, burnout happens when you keep demanding more from yourself without giving yourself additional support.
Perfect isn’t the same as good enough
One of the hardest parts of letting go of control is learning the difference between “perfect” and “good enough”. If you love being in control, then you likely have a specific standard for yourself and the way you like to get shit done. However, if you expect other people to do things the exact way you would, you’ll always be disappointed because no one will mother, sister, employee, or partner the exact same way you do. Unfortunately, the (often) self-imposed expectation to do things perfectly leads straight to burnout (e.g., if you’re constantly redoing other people’s work, correcting every detail, or refusing to delegate because someone might not do it “right,”) because you’re creating more work for yourself.
While “perfect” results in unrealistic expectations of others to do things exactly the way you would’ve done it (and we agree that this is unrealistic), “good enough” means the task gets completed and the outcome meets the need. You do not have to control how something is done to care about the result (e.g., does this person use a different algorithm than you would for a specific project, even if it takes more time to get to the same result; can they take care of dinner some nights, even if that means that the kitchen is in complete disarray; do the kids still get to bed at a reasonable hour, even if they don’t do the bedtime routine?) Sometimes good enough really is enough.
Define the outcome, not the method
Delegating doesn’t mean handing someone a task and then micromanaging every step. Instead, define the outcome you need, not necessarily the method someone has to use to get there. For example, instead of explaining exactly how you want someone to organize a presentation, you might explain what needs to be included, when it needs to be completed, and what the finished product needs to accomplish. Then let them figure out how to get there. Unfortunately, if you constantly position yourself as the only person capable of doing something, you will continue to be the only one who is capable (cue the 12 emails and 3 missed calls in the future when the same task comes up again that you eventually take over because “no one else but [you] can do it”). This is where delegation becomes powerful. You’re not just getting something off your plate, you’re also creating space for yourself to focus on what actually requires your attention.
Letting go of control doesn’t mean you stop caring. It means you stop believing that everything has to happen through you. And maybe that’s the real work of recovering from burnout. Learning that you can be capable without being responsible for everything.
You can ask for help.
You can let someone else take care of something.
You can tolerate a little uncertainty.
And you can trust that your needs can still be met, even when you aren’t the one making everything happen.
Other Services I Offer in Bryant Park, Manhattan & Beyond
Life brings many unique challenges, and I am here to support you every step of the way. In addition to burnout therapy, Lavender Therapy offers specialized services to help you navigate through different phases and experiences. Anywhere in New York and New Jersey, I offer therapy for postpartum and pregnancy concerns, therapy for women, and family planning therapy.
About The Author:
Dr. Ruby Rhoden is a New York and New Jersey-based Licensed Psychologist who is dedicated to uplifting women through life changes and challenges, including reproduction. She understands how unhelpful behavior patterns and mental health disorders uniquely impact women and uses evidence-based techniques to usher in sustainable change and relief. With a focus on helping clients reconnect with themselves and find effective self-care strategies, Dr. Ruby provides personalized therapy to address the root causes of burnout. Dr. Ruby is also dedicated to helping women develop healthier habits and relationships with themselves and their bodies so that they can connect to others and the world around them again. Dr. Ruby studied at Cornell University and Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey for her Bachelor's and Doctoral degrees, respectively. In her free time, she enjoys watching reality TV, supporting small businesses, and writing blog posts to remind all women that they are not alone.
