Setting Boundaries with Family During This Holiday Season: Tips from a Women’s Therapist in NY
The holidays are supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year,” right? Cue the family drama, guilt trips, and that creeping sense of dread you get when your phone lights up with a text from you know who.
If you’re already mentally preparing yourself to “just get through it,” you’re not alone. I see so many women who love their families deeply but feel like the holidays turn them inside out. The pressure to host, to visit, to smile, to keep the peace. It’s a lot. And let’s be real: setting boundaries with family can feel like walking through a minefield.
But boundaries aren’t about shutting people out. They’re about helping others help you show up as your favorite version of you in the relationship.
Start by Getting Honest About What You Can Actually Handle
Before you RSVP to every gathering or volunteer to bring the turkey and the dessert and the sides, pause. Ask yourself: “What do I have the energy for?”. Try saying all the things you have (or intend to do) aloud. Sometimes things sound normal and feasible in our minds and sounds batshit once we say it out loud, especially to someone else. If your body tenses just thinking about certain family dynamics, expectations, or responsibilities, that’s data. It’s your body’s way of saying, “Hey, I don’t feel safe or okay doing this again.” Boundaries start with that kind of honesty. You can’t protect your energy if you’re pretending you have endless amounts of it.
Guilt Doesn’t Mean You’re Doing Something Wrong
Here’s the part that no one tells you: the guilt doesn’t magically disappear when you start setting boundaries. It actually shows up louder at first. You might feel bad for skipping that extra family dinner, or for saying “no” when your aunt volunteers you to be the designated therapist at the table (again). Guilt is normal. It’s your nervous system reacting to a new pattern. The goal isn’t to get rid of guilt; it’s to move through it without letting it call the shots.
Communicate Like a Human, Not a Robot
You don’t need to give a dissertation when you set a boundary. Try something simple:
“I love spending time with everyone, and I need to head out early this year.”
“I can’t host, but I’d love to bring something.”
“I’m not up for talking about that today.”
Short. Direct. Kind. You’re not asking for permission, you’re giving information.
And if someone pushes back (which they probably will), remind yourself: their discomfort isn’t your responsibility. Their reaction says more about their expectations than your worth.
Boundaries Protect Relationships, Not Ruin Them
A lot of women I work with fear that setting boundaries will make them “the bad guy.” But here’s the truth: the opposite is usually what happens. When you stop people-pleasing, you stop silently resenting the people you love. You show up more authentically. You stop snapping or shutting down. You build real connection instead of performative politeness.
Give Yourself Permission to Rest, Even If Others Don’t Understand
If you spend the entire holiday season running on fumes, trying to make everyone else comfortable, no one wins. You burn out. You disconnect. You end up needing a vacation from your vacation. So maybe this year looks different. Maybe you skip the overnight stay. Maybe you leave early. Maybe you say “no” without a five-minute apology. And the best part? The more you practice it, the less guilty you’ll feel about choosing peace over pressure.
Start Working With A Women’s Therapist in New York, NY
If you’re struggling to set boundaries with friends, partners, and loved one’s, you are not alone. Working with a women’s therapist in New York can help you overcome this hurdle, reconnect with your values, and start feeling like yourself again. Reach out to The Lavender Therapy by following these simple steps:
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Other Services I Offer Across New York
Women’s therapy is not the only form of support I offer from my New York-based practice. I provide a variety of specialized services, whether you're seeking help with infertility and pregnancy loss support, postpartum and pregnancy challenges, burnout therapy, or family planning, I’m here to offer guidance and care every step of the way.
About The Author:
Dr. Ruby Rhoden is a New York-based licensed psychologist who is dedicated to uplifting women through life changes and challenges, including reproduction and parent burnout. She understands how unhelpful behavior patterns and mental health disorders uniquely impact women and uses evidence-based techniques to usher in sustainable change and relief. Dr. Ruby is dedicated to helping women develop healthier habits and relationships with themselves and their bodies so they can connect to others and the world around them again. Dr. Ruby studied at Cornell University and Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey for her Bachelor’s and Doctoral degrees, respectively. In her free time, she enjoys watching reality TV, supporting small businesses, and writing blog posts to remind all women that they are not alone.
