Facing Infertility During the Holidays: Finding Peace When Everyone Asks About Kids
The holidays can be a beautiful time of connection, joy, and, my personal favorite, slowing down. They can also be one of the most emotionally charged seasons if you are facing infertility. You might love your family, enjoy the traditions, and want to be present. At the same time, there is this quiet ache you carry that no one sees and when the holiday gatherings begin, you already know the questions are coming.
“So, when are you having kids?”
“Are you trying?”
“You would make such a great mom/parent.”
Even if people mean well, those moments can feel like a punch to the gut. You find yourself smiling, laughing it off, or trying to change the subject because speaking up feels too vulnerable, rude, or uncomfortable. Maybe setting boundaries around family planning feels impossible or perhaps you already feel let down by your body and the thought of disappointing others makes the ache even heavier. If this sounds like your experience, I want you to take a slow breath. Your emotions make sense and there are ways to protect your well-being this holiday season without having to explain or defend the most tender parts of your body and life.
Notice What Your Body is Telling You
Before you think about scripts or conversations, pay attention to your internal cues and notice how your body feels or changes as you mentally prepare for the holiday season. You might feel tension in your chest when anticipating conversations about kids. Or maybe your stomach drops. Perhaps there is a wave of shame or a sharp spike of anxiety when you think of certain occasions, traditions, or people. Many women facing infertility carry this sense that they cannot trust their bodies, and struggle to connect with it altogether. Unfortunately, this can lead to missing necessary bodily cues that offer insight and feedback about our physical and psychological limits (i.e., you may be likely to miss how tense your shoulders get when you see holiday commercials with babies or young children in them and may not see the connection between this reaction and your irritable mood toward friends and family thereafter).
The truth is that your body is not betraying you. It is holding a lot and is doing the best it can. Instead of pushing through holiday stress, try placing a hand over your heart or belly and simply acknowledging what is coming up. This tiny act of self-compassion can calm your nervous system and remind you that you deserve gentleness.
Prepare a Simple Boundary Before You Walk into Any Gathering
Boundaries do not have to be “dramatic” or confrontational. They can be soft, direct, and still powerful. If you struggle with speaking up for yourself, choosing (and practicing) a simple sentence ahead of time can help you feel more grounded.
Here are a few examples that you can experiment with this holiday season:
• “I am not talking about family planning right now. Thank you for understanding.”
• “I know you are curious, but that is something I am keeping private.”
• “I appreciate your care, but this topic is hard for me. I want to focus on being here with everyone.”
You do not need to explain your medical journey or justify your decision to keep things private. You do not need to say more than you want to say and for those pushy relatives, reiterating the same phrase over (as needed) can resolve this issue. Before you head into that Friendsgiving, holiday potluck, or holiday dinner, try rehearsing one of the examples above in the mirror for a few minutes. The more comfortable you get with saying the sentences aloud, the more likely you are to say it in the moment. If you have a friend or family member you feel safer with, try role-playing with them – they can pretend to be the pushier family member, and you can play yourself, honing your direct communication skills.
Create an Exit Plan for Moments That Feel Too Overwhelming
Even with preparation, some moments may simply feel too big. If you get caught off guard or someone pushes past a boundary, it is okay to step away. You can refill your drink, help in the kitchen, check on something in your car, or go outside for a breather.
Giving yourself a break is not rude (telling someone about themselves might be and that may be a likely alternative without said break). Giving yourself a break can be grounding and can help you navigate unexpected situations more skillfully. If you have a partner, friend, or supportive family member present, consider having a signal you can use when you need backup or a quick escape.
Honor the Grief That Surfaces During This Season
Infertility comes with layers of grief that people rarely talk about; the grief of expectation, uncertainty, time passing, or watching others experience what you long for to name a few. The holidays can bring all of this to the surface. Seeing little cousins open presents, watching your siblings parent their children, or being surrounded by pregnancy announcements can make your heart feel heavy. You are not wrong for feeling sadness – this is grief. Let yourself grieve without judgment. Maybe you light a candle for the hope you are holding. Maybe you journal or talk with someone who gets it. Your grief is real and pretending that it is not or not worthwhile only makes it heavier, not lighter. Besides, if you have well-meaning but intrusive relatives, they may already be really good at minimizing or dismissing your pain. Why add yet another voice (yours) to that conversation?
Give Yourself Permission to Create a Holiday That Feels Supportive
You do not have to attend every event if they have been particularly activating in years past (i.e., toy drive events or your niece’s first picture with Santa). You can shorten visits or choose gatherings that are less activating. You can also create new rituals with your partner or close friends/relatives.
Final Thoughts
Infertility can feel isolating, especially in environments where people assume everyone can talk about family planning without pain. However, you are allowed to set limits, grieve, and move through the holidays at your own pace.
Start Working With an Infertility Therapist in New York, NY
Understanding infertility means recognizing it as a medical condition that requires compassion, both from those going through it and from the broader community. While infertility may alter your journey to parenthood, it doesn’t define your worth, love, or resilience. With support, self-care, and patience, you can navigate this complex experience and find a path forward. You can start your therapy journey with The Lavender Therapy by following these simple steps:
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Along with infertility and pregnancy loss support, I provide a variety of specialized services to support you through different stages of life. Whether you're seeking help with postpartum and pregnancy challenges, women’s therapy, or family planning, I’m here to offer guidance and care every step of the way.
About The Author:
Dr. Ruby Rhoden is a New York-based licensed psychologist who is dedicated to uplifting women through life changes and challenges, including reproduction and parent burnout. She understands how unhelpful behavior patterns and mental health disorders uniquely impact women and uses evidence-based techniques to usher in sustainable change and relief. Dr. Ruby is dedicated to helping women develop healthier habits and relationships with themselves and their bodies so they can connect to others and the world around them again. Dr. Ruby studied at Cornell University and Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey for her Bachelor’s and Doctoral degrees, respectively. In her free time, she enjoys watching reality TV, supporting small businesses, and writing blog posts to remind all women that they are not alone.
